Hrm. A Google search tells me Hulk vs. Fin Fang Foom’s been done.

Did Hulk ever fight the original, pre-blue fur Beast? (Probably; the “everybody teams up at some point” mentality at Marvel was huge even then, but I haven’t seen a story along those lines.) That’d be a fun one, because you could play both Banner and Hulk against McCoy. Some good similarities and contrasts — Banner and Beast are both geniuses but Banner’s more withdrawn and Beast’s gregarious; Hulk has the strength while Beast has the agility. Banner can’t compete with Beast physically, while Hulk can’t keep up with him mentally.

None of which, I suppose, means it has to be the original version of Beast; that just happens to be my favorite.

I’d like to see Hulk beat up Bruce Banner. Doesn’t anyone else get tired of him whining all the time about turning into the Hulk after all?

I’d like to see the Hulk beat up Cyclops, because Cyclops is a pompous, posturing ass. No matter where, no matter when, no matter the continuity or the context, Cyclops is always an ass.

Then I’d like Hulk to find Corsair (or dig him up if he’s dead at the moment) and beat him up too, for fathering such a self-important ass.

Then I’d like the Banner-brained Hulk to invent a time machine keyed specifically to Summers’ DNA, track down a few of Cyclops’ ancestors and smack them around too, for good measure.

I wanna see Hulk beat the crap outta Archie Andrews!

It could go something like this: Bruce Banner wakes up in his shredded clothes, completely confused about what happened last night. He discovers he’s in the town of Riverdale. Upon hearing some red-headed punk talking about how he has the hots for someone named “Betty,” Bruce starts to get mad. Confusing this mention of Betty Cooper for Betty Ross, Bruce hulks out. The Hulk directs his rage at this red haired teen… none other than the infamous Archie Andrews! Violence ensues.

Why Archie? Pssshh, I dunno… why not??? I mean, it’d be tons of funny, and Archie’s probably got it coming to him anyway!

Wolverine, because the Ultimate miniseries was not at all worth the wait.

I’d like to see the Hulk beat up Scott McCloud’s comic version of himself while arguing about what the definition of a comic is. Something like, “HULK NOT embrace broad definition of Sequential Art!” or “HULK NO need primer course in Understanding Comics.”

I’d like to see the Hulk fight the Thunderbolts again. I know they’re more than one character. Unless I’ve missed something this past year (or earlier), they haven’t fought since the T-Bolts first appeared in Incredible Hulk 449 over a decade ago. It would be great if they came full circle, especially now that Osborn has his hands all over things and most of the T-Bolts now are such jerks. Then again, Hulk vs. Dark Avengers would be awesome too and I don’t keep up with current comics enough, but maybe that’s happening now or soon in Fall of the Hulks.

Nick, your idea is hilarious and awesome. Make it so. Publish online. Use parody as your legal right to post such a comic.

The Sentry. Because the Sentry is simply put the worst character in all of comics right now and I’d love nothing better than to see him wiped out.

Someone beat me to metatextuality (“Cup o’ Joe” counts as a comic character, right?), so then we go for spectacle:

Hulk vs. Speedball.

Better yet, I want to see Hulk hit Pennance so hard that he stops being an Emo Mope for the next dozen writers at least, and then Hulk vs. Speedball.

Much as I should probably list the Joker (at least the stupid modern comics version that’s just a slasher-film-killer-in-clownwhite trying to make Idi Amin’s death toll look like a statistical rounding error for no reason other than “he’s craaaaazy”; one could substitute a trained monkey for the Joker and get the same story these days…), I’ll have to go with Eclipso, about whom everything about him can be summed up as “lame”: lame powers; a costume that looks like he went shopping at the Smurfs’ and Green Goblin’s yard sales; a dumb retcon asking me to suddenly believe he’s “really” a Spectre-class threat; Jean Loring subject to Eclipso on top of everything else that happened to her (as if “Identity Crisis” wasn’t degrading enough for all involved, including the readers!); and, in the Silver Age at least, doing the “monster trapped in a human body” shtick that the Hulk did first (well, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde did it first, but still… ;-) ).

“Hulk HATE character concept infringement! Little blue man look like ‘Avatar’ character understudy!”

I’ll go with wanting to see the Hulk beat up Deadpool–I’ve never gotten into this character, and that isn’t for lack of trying, but he has always come off as lame to me rather than funny or interesting. Now that he has supplanted Wolverine as the “useless and meaningless crossover and multiple titles” king (for no reason I can fathom), I not only don’t get him, but I am sick of him.

I’d like to see the Hulk smash Magog. I still don’t understand what the point of having him in JSA is, or in the DC Universe at all.

Hulk needs to beat up Iron Man/Tony Stark…AGAIN! It’s the least he deserves for orchestrating the Illuminati and waging the Civil War (which he never would have been able to do with Hulk or the real Thor in the picture). I don’t care that Hulk already beat him (and the Illuminati) down once. I don’t care that Stark is/was on the run after getting ousted from his lofty position by Norman Osborn. For his roll/arrogance in all of the above, Hulk needs to beat his @$$ down AGAIN!!

I’d like to see the Hulk beat up Dick Tracy because I’d love to see Warren Beatty and Lou Ferrigno in the movie version of the story.

hulk should beat up the television executives that make television shows run a couple minutes long so my tivo cuts off the endings and-more importantly-the scenes from nexxt week. smash, hulk, smash.

Hulk should smash the arrogant Mr. Fantastic. Prove once and for all that brawn smash big brain!! Mr. Fantastic is a genius EXCEPT when it comes to curing his friends (e.g. Ben Grimm, Bruce Banner, Hank McCoy, etc). I don’t buy it. He is holding out on them. Bruce should call him out on it and Hulk should smash him into jello pudding. And to sell out all superheroes as Tony Stark’s lapdog is unforgivable. Hulk should put him in a blender and set it to puree in the name of scientific exploration. Sue should have left him for Namor decades ago!!

I have to go with the Sentry, too. I know his original mini-series was supposed to be good, and the Jeff Parker/Paul Tobin-penned Age of the Sentry mini from a year or two back was one of the best Silver Age Superman pastiches I’ve ever read, but ever since Bendis brought him back in the regular Marvel books he’s just been one big, whiny deus ex machina in everything he’s been in.

I think the Hulk would love to beat up on Ranma Saotome from Ranma 1/2. Bruce Banner would love having having him/her around because he totally understands Ranma’s predicament. Part bromance, part romance -Bruce would finally find a soul mate in Ranma. The gender-bending only confuses and angers The Hulk and he would do everything in his power to “resolve” this confusion.

I’d like to see Hulk fight all the Black Lanterns from Blackest Night. ALL of them.

It’s easy, but Deadpool.

I’d love to see the Hulk beat the crap out of the Thing, as any true Hulk fan would… Orange and brick don’t beat out green and mean!

[...] winner of my giveaway of a copy of the Planet Hulk animated movie, due out tomorrow [...]

I know the contest is over, but it’s easy what the next Hulk DVD should be: Hulk vs. Maestro. Future Imperfect. Two issues, easy to adapt, lots of Easter Eggs to please the fan boys (Rick’s apartment), and a damn good story. Do it right and have Peter David write the script.

Or have him meet Dorothy in Oz. Banner is the Wizard, Hulk is public persona. WWW meets Hulk. Who is greener? Nastier? Hulk besieged by flying monkeys?